Intimacy is a labor of love and an ongoing effort. We sometimes get nostalgic for the initial passionate throes that come from young love, when we’re enamored and want closeness no matter the circumstances. Yet, the moment we feel that we “have” a person, boredom, resentment, fatigue and even children set in making us wonder what happened tour original wild envy. But just like anything worthwhile in your life, you must work for ongoing intimacy to happen. If your relationship is feeling stagnant, challenge yourself to take charge of its revival.
Turn yourself on. If there is something that makes you feel attractive, do it. Don’t put all the responsibility on your partner to get you in the mood. Imagine and play yourself out in scenarios that make you feel sexy. Initiate sexuality in ways that you want and encourage scenarios that make you feel good. If you want a massage to feel interested, ask for one, give one, or get out a massager to get you in the mood.
In order to be turned on, you need to feel good. This means making your mind, body, and health a priority. To have healthy intimacy with your partner, you must like what you see. If you feel overweight, lack stamina and flexibility or are tired all the time, your intimate life will be affected. Make your body, health, weight, and nutrition a priority and don’t fall into the trap of making everyone else a priority. Connect with yourself on your own time or do it together by working out, eating healthy, going to the spa or doing yoga.
Make time to talk every day. Ask and listen about your partner’s day. Pay attention to the details of their life, even the banalities. If you listen to them and give them your time, they feel supported and cared for. Simultaneously, by listening to the details of their life, you’ll feel closer to them. For your part, share the intricacies of your days by discussing the events of your day including your struggles and successes.
Don’t hold grudges. If something is bothering you, get it off your chest. Sometimes just sharing that something bothers you is enough to free yourself up. Never get to a point where you punish, avoid, or give your partner the silent treatment. Imposing routine silence or as punishment turns toxic. Undoing long silences can be harder than initiating them. The adage, don’t go to bed angry, is a wise one. While silence can be beneficial as a self-cool-down, it’s always destructive if used as a means to punish your partner.
Role Play. Routinely take control of giving. Pamper your partner on a regular basis. Then lay back and allow them to pamper you. This back and forth creates a continual exchange that is interesting and enjoyable by encouraging feelings of equality in the relationship.
Intimate feelings are created by little acts. Many of us make the mistake of thinking that if we are not feeling in the mood, then it’s not a time for intimacy. But this is simply the wrong approach when living with another person. Often, the mood comes in the doing. While it’s more than ok to say no when you need a break, regular intimacy with your partner is necessary to maintain your relationship. Once you begin touching, hugging and connecting with each other, the pleasure ensues. You would be surprised how many couples come to me because they allowed a dry spell and pride get out of hand. A wonderful book on this subject from both the initiator and the “not in the mood” position is, The Sex Starved Marriage, Boosting your marriage Libido. If you are not in the mood, start slowly with an embrace and be open to where you go from there.
Focus on the process. Intimacy is a mental, emotional, spiritual, physical and even practical process. Realize that the intimacy in your couple is a sum of many acts that you bring to each other. Give to your partner what you know they like without them having to ask for it. If you’re not crazy about giving the things they want, then reduce the frequency of giving and maximize giving what you enjoy doing. (Of course, you shouldn’t do anything you hate or that conjures negative emotions as that will build resentment.)
Prioritize intimacy. It doesn’t always come naturally, and you won’t always feel like it. But let’s be honest, when does effort ever come naturally? Does working, exercising, and maintaining any long-term relationship come without work? So even more so, the most important relationship in your life, that with your partner, takes your attention.
Finally, remember that intimacy is in the Details. Build intimacy in everyday acts. From the moment you wake up, add a special gesture and create closeness with your partner. Say something kind or flattering, give an affectionate goodbye, send a kind text, show excitement to see your partner at the end of the day, even if you’re tired. If you are at a loss for ways to build intimacy, a great, simple to read, and a practical book full of tips is 43 Ways to Make a Good Marriage Great. Now go on, get creative, and start practicing gestures small and big to get your intimacy back in bloom.