How Do You Stay in Love?

Relationships by Tiffany

It’s so easy to be in love in the first stages of a relationship. After all, you have a curiosity and desire to captivate this unknown person who always is at their best. In the beginning, we don’t know our partner’s quirks, or where we will eventually have conflicts of interest and personality. Every time we go out, we make an extensive effort to please each other. We are trying to woo each other. Everything is new, from their thoughts to their experiences, to even the lovemaking.

Contrast this several years later, living together, when you know everything about each other have different eating, exercising, sleeping habits. There are times when you just want to pull each other’s hair out. What then of a lifetime of love?

The first thing we need to ask ourselves is what is love. Love means many things to different people. Love means passion, excitement, difference, physical touch, activity, and conversation. But it also means routine, sameness, communicating through difficulty, stillness, and silence. The essence of balancing long-term love is harmonizing these contrasts with patience, humor, kindness and a joy for life.

To make love last, your partner must be your close friend. There must be a bond of mutual affection and care that is actively maintained. Love doesn’t just happen to you. You create love by acting with love. The mistake we sometimes make is to think that love is a feeling as opposed to an action. I will not always feel in love with my partner. In fact, I will be annoyed with, tired of, and even pissed off at my partner at times. But even in those situations, if I act with love towards my partner, I send a clear message to myself and them, that I am in it for the long haul, that my internal state of love is not thrown off-kilter by a bad day.

Love takes attraction. It’s important to keep yourself healthy and to love yourself enough to make an effort. This doesn’t mean you have to always be dressed up for a ball. But what it does mean is that you should aim to be your somewhat best. You can’t ask your partner to exercise and dress nicely if you look like a slouch. Concurrently, it’s harder to let yourself go if your partner is working hard on themselves. In a couple, however, you treat yourself affects your partner as well.

A couple that lasts is one that communicates. You can never love someone if you hold a grudge towards them; When you don’t express yourself relationship anger ferments. But it’s not enough to communicate, you must do so with empathy, kindness, and an openness to hear what your partner has to say back. Sometimes they may surprise you with a, “Hey, you’re totally right.” Other times, they may call you out back. The important thing is to keep the communication flowing. This creates connection, intimacy, personal growth, and relationship depth.

You love it when your partner pampers you and shows their affection. Particularly if they do it in a way that interests you. Express your love outwardly and regularly, whether it’s a compliment, a bouquet of flowers or a back rub, make the extra effort on a routine basis. Remember, in the bank account of love, you always want to put in more than you take out if you want the account to be plentiful. Be giving, and don’t keep score. Give as much as you can without exhausting yourself. When you give to your partner, you give to yourself as well.

Find common interests. If you don’t want to get bored with each other, don’t get bored with life. Figure out activities or pastimes that you both like and spend time doing them together.  These activities can be anything if they make you both happy. And don’t be afraid to try new activities as your tastes may change over time.

This person is your family not just your romantic lover so establish a set of core shared values that you will honor each other with. Values like mutual responsibility, honesty, timeliness and sound financial spending go a long way in averting relationship conflict. Try discussing these values so you can dissuade future problems from occurring and create mutual wellbeing.

Balance space and closeness. If your feeling bored with your partner or annoyed by them, perhaps it’s just time for you to take some time getting happy on your own. Remember, your partner is not responsible for your happiness though they can significantly augment your feelings of comfort. You must keep yourself happy. On the flip side, if your feeling upset with your partner, perhaps you’re not spending enough time together to create closeness. Spending regular time together even doing the basics, like cleaning the house and walking the dog, are necessary to feel secure and safe.

Finally, put an emphasis on having fun together. After you’ve put in a plan for paying all your bills and getting the kids on track, the best dose of reinvigoration for a couple is having a good time together. Whether it’s going to a party or booking a trip to Tibet, allow yourselves to dream and take initiative to make it happen.

If you want to explore any of these concepts in more depth, check out the following PHENOMENAL books by world-renowned relationship gurus,